sizes

I want to wear clothes that actually fits me.

Growing up, my sizes are constantly swinging between small and medium. I could be wearing a medium now and get a small one tomorrow. It has been a constant dilemma for someone who is backhandedly shamed for the shape of her. It is confusing to stand in front of someone who ask what size of jersey I am getting; to take too long to give out an answer. I wish this kind of question didn’t faze me.

For once, I wish I could actually wear one without feeling so weirded out. To feel good with my body and come to peace with how I look like in the mirror.

Many people told me I don’t look too bad. But for someone who is struggling to come to terms with her own being, it always felt like a threat. A personal attack that will keep me spiraling for days to come. They would pull out photos to show me its not that deep, but the struggle is. Plus, the human habit to lie is uncanny and so are the flatteries that come out flawlessly.

I wish I could get rid of the envious stares I’m probably giving out for girls who wear their sizes. To watch a show and not wonder what kilos are they seeing whenever they step onto the scale. To wear clothes that they know look good in them. To not mind how I move infront of them; to not wonder if my arms look too big again from the side. To not mind if my cheeks look to big in the photo, to not mind if my legs are too thick, or if my slouching makes me look bigger.

I wish I could show a little bit of skin, too. To move carelessly without checking if my shirt is far too high or jeans too low, or underwear is showing from the hems, or the inner wear’s print is showing its patterns. I wish I could get rid of the consiousness of my own body and come to terms with it. I wish I just wake up one day to a body that does not make me feel so out of place. I wish I could wear clothes like a second skin, not a awkward mask that does not fit me right.

The day I wake up without any body dysmorphia is the day i defy my own brain. I sometimes wish I could get a bigger problem that will occupy my whole being, that wont make me wonder about other unnecessary things like this. But please not.